Ecclesiastes 2:17 – So I hated life, because the work that is done under the sun was grievous to me. All of it is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.
I had a small revelation driving into work today. After reading a journal post from a pastor who is fighting for his child’s life, I realized a large flaw in my own blog posting. This pastor is in the midst of what is probably the worst storm of his life. He posts pretty freely on a care journal regarding his doubts, questions, fears and hopes. I felt a deep sense of respect for him for not just playing the role society expects (of “good pastor”) and posting uplifting and optimistic posts littered with encouraging and positive Bible verses. Instead, he isn’t afraid to admit that he too has struggles, doubts, cynicism, and questions. In writing my blog for the good first half of last year, I attempted to make sure that every post began with an encouraging Bible verse and followed with some kind of inspirational message. It was my goal – my desire – to leave all of my readers with a sense of encouragement and peace. I wanted to instill a stronger faith system into those who read my writing and I wanted people to recognize God’s grace on a daily basis through me.
But as events in my life started turning me down a stress-filled path, I began to feel less encouraging or positive. Blog posts started to feel forced and fake. Even though I was continuing to get comments thanking me for my posts and my encouragement, I wasn’t feeling anything. Writing became a chore and soon after it simply stopped altogether. I read Bible verses but didn’t feel inspired. My attitude was starting to turn doubtful and somewhat cynical and it felt wrong to share any of that. I thought, well if I can’t practice what I preach, I better not preach at all. Occasionally an event in my life or a world event in general would lead me to write out a post that seemed somewhat inspiring, but I felt guilty posting at random and spontaneous intervals, especially with doubt growing in the back of my mind.
The last few weeks have been difficult with several storms swirling overhead and converging into one big ball of stress, worry, and frustration. Many nights I have laid in bed asking God where He is, what is this plan that He speaks of so often in the Bible, and is this really what He intended for me? I have been walking down a path of seeming darkness feeling as though what I’m looking for is right in front of me but no one will turn the light on allowing me to see it, let alone grasp what it even is. I have prayed often only to hear nothing, feel nothing, and sense nothing – except more frustration. It’s difficult to admit weakness and struggle with something that our society of believers is taught is bad to have – doubt.
But in my revelation this morning, I realized that we are all human. We all face ups and downs in our lives including in our faith. We all go through periods of doubt, questioning, cynicism, and frustration. In fact, I believe this is how we grow closer to God rather than farther away (assuming we make our way back to Him). And I realized that my blogging/writing of consistently positive verses and ideas, speaking about comfort, peace, clarity, direction, etc may have caused me to lose some readers who felt that perhaps they just couldn’t keep up or they were doing something wrong because things weren’t quite that peachy or easy in their own lives.
My inability to be transparent limited my writing, limited my honesty, and in some ways limited my faith. I think I started to believe that in some way if I didn’t feel constantly positive, I shouldn’t be a role model or a writer regarding God’s word – that maybe I didn’t deserve that privilege.
To clarify, I have not lost my faith. I know God exists. I don’t think anything can change that. But I don’t know or understand quite where He is in all that is going on around me. The pastor I spoke of earlier writes about how commonly quoted verses don’t really offer much comfort to those in turmoil and I echo that sentiment. I have been told, “Well it’s not up to us to understand”, or “God’s ways are not always our ways”. I’ve quoted these things to others who came to me with struggles. I know these things. It’s not that I need to be reminded. I suppose sometimes I just want to be able to question. I don’t want advice on building my faith or verses thrown at me in an attempt to make me feel better. I want to feel it within me – God’s power, God’s comfort, God’s peace, and God’s direction. I don’t want a hug or a card or a “my prayers are with you.” I want to feel God’s arms around me or hear his voice or see that ever elusive plan. I know that things are not meant to be perfect here – if they were then how would He motivate us and fill us with anticipation for heaven? The bible even talks to us about how things in our world will get worse before they get better – so I’m not sure why we expect this world to be so great and why we get so discouraged by all the bad news. I saw a billboard at a church the other day that said, “Many people believe in God, but only few people believe God.” I suppose that’s true. We don’t believe Him that things will get worse and we don’t believe Him that He’ll always be there for us. I admit, I have my own doubts occasionally.
Yet, in the midst of this storm, filled with darkness, cynicism, pessimism, hopelessness, and frustration – I know God exists. I believe in Him. I believe he does hear me. I believe that illusive plan does exist. I get up every morning asking for strength to get through the day and I know that when I return to bed at night the only way I got through it was because He listened and filled me with strength. Even though I feel I am rambling through life right now with no clear purpose, no clear reason for getting out of bed in the morning, I do get up and I do survive. One last commonly quoted verse comes to mind: There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens. I believe there is a time to question.
After reading the verse quoted at the top of this entry (Ecc. 2:17), I am comforted that how I feel really is straight out of the Bible. He almost took the words right out of my mouth. I hope it won’t be too long before my own thoughts and feelings slowly begin to reflect the more positive and hopeful verses again. But until then, I take comfort in knowing I’m not the only one struggling with faith, life, hope, and direction and I hope that no one will be scared away by my less than optimistic blog posts documenting this time of trial and growth. After all, we all feel low sometimes and we all face struggles in our lives. Maybe someone will even be encouraged by my doubts and cynicism. One can only hope….
If you are interested in praying for and learning more about the Pastor I spoke of, his story, his struggle, his questions go here: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/grantboswith
Be W.H.O.L.E 