Where Is God In All Of This?

Romans 8:38-39 – For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

He is greater than all of this.
He is power to go on.
He is weeping in the midst of this.
He is saddened.
He is offering strength to move forward from this.
He is in the heart of the hero.
He is by our side through the experience of this.
He is our provider.
He is the great healer from all of this.
He is victorious.
He is our comforter despite this.
He is redeeming.
He is above all of this.
He is light.
He is love surrounding all of this.
He is reconciling.
He is hope in this.
He is courage.
He is assuring in the course of this.
He is our Father.
He is leading us out of this.
He is freedom.
He is a friend in the middle of this.
He is available.
He is wisdom inside of this.
He is righteous.
He is safety in the core of this.
He is great.
He is justice because of this.
He is forgiving.
He is fighting in the face of this.
He is planning.
He is creating even through this.
He is holy.
He is good regardless of this.
He is perfect.
He is God, unchanging.

Love For A Child

Matthew 24:12, 19 – Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold… How dreadful it will be in those days for pregnant women and nursing mothers.

Before the wedding decorations were even put away, the questions started pouring in. “So when are the babies coming?” “How long are you going to wait to have kids?” “When are you guys going to get started?” While most of these questions are meant in good fun, they pose an opportunity for some consideration. Our society tends to assume that once you’re married (or even before), you had better get started on bringing children into the world. While many couples adhere to this idea and develop and grow loving families and respectful children, many other couples jump into this decision selfishly without considering whether or not they have the means to support a child financially and emotionally and whether they are ready, willing, and able to handle the pressures of children.

I intend in no way to attack any one’s decisions in my writing, only to defend my own. My last two posts have been littered with doubt, struggle, and a sense of cynicism mostly because that is what has been surrounding me. Our world has suddenly become a bleak and dark place where hope is difficult to find. My work involves a constant reminder of all that is evil in this world. Day after day, I read, edit, and respond to murder, assault, drugs and associated violence, child porn, and other horrible topics. While I suppose a sense of relief should come seeing those responsible for these terrible acts put away, that response is not often elicited from me. I would rather see those offenders be rehabilitated, and, while they instead rot in prison to the tune of the tax money we work so hard to “donate”, many other are just taking their place.

Fortunately, myself nor my family have not had to personally endure being a victim of one of these terrible crimes. But pessimism comes from many types of situations. Life has been very critical of my giving heart as of late and has handed me a few smacks in the face in return. That being said, all those anxious for little Jen-babies will have to wait. God must settle my heart and I must work to trust in Him again and more importantly find hope in Him again before I’m willing to submit a child into this dark world.

Don’t fear, I haven’t lost all hope for humanity. I know good people, or good hearts rather, do exist. I know our eternal reward for giving is in heaven. I know God promises to always be with us and I know His word instructs me to put my hope in Him all of my days. For now, I will continue to pray for help from God and surround myself with those who exude love and positivity. As I go forward on this path of life, I do trust that God will bless my husband and I with comfort when or if he entrusts us with the blessing (and responsibility) of a child.

A Long Response Following a Long Absence

Ecclesiastes 2:17 – So I hated life, because the work that is done under the sun was grievous to me. All of it is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.

I had a small revelation driving into work today. After reading a journal post from a pastor who is fighting for his child’s life, I realized a large flaw in my own blog posting. This pastor is in the midst of what is probably the worst storm of his life. He posts pretty freely on a care journal regarding his doubts, questions, fears and hopes. I felt a deep sense of respect for him for not just playing the role society expects (of “good pastor”) and posting uplifting and optimistic posts littered with encouraging and positive Bible verses. Instead, he isn’t afraid to admit that he too has struggles, doubts, cynicism, and questions. In writing my blog for the good first half of last year, I attempted to make sure that every post began with an encouraging Bible verse and followed with some kind of inspirational message. It was my goal – my desire – to leave all of my readers with a sense of encouragement and peace. I wanted to instill a stronger faith system into those who read my writing and I wanted people to recognize God’s grace on a daily basis through me.

But as events in my life started turning me down a stress-filled path, I began to feel less encouraging or positive. Blog posts started to feel forced and fake. Even though I was continuing to get comments thanking me for my posts and my encouragement, I wasn’t feeling anything. Writing became a chore and soon after it simply stopped altogether. I read Bible verses but didn’t feel inspired. My attitude was starting to turn doubtful and somewhat cynical and it felt wrong to share any of that. I thought, well if I can’t practice what I preach, I better not preach at all. Occasionally an event in my life or a world event in general would lead me to write out a post that seemed somewhat inspiring, but I felt guilty posting at random and spontaneous intervals, especially with doubt growing in the back of my mind.

The last few weeks have been difficult with several storms swirling overhead and converging into one big ball of stress, worry, and frustration. Many nights I have laid in bed asking God where He is, what is this plan that He speaks of so often in the Bible, and is this really what He intended for me? I have been walking down a path of seeming darkness feeling as though what I’m looking for is right in front of me but no one will turn the light on allowing me to see it, let alone grasp what it even is. I have prayed often only to hear nothing, feel nothing, and sense nothing – except more frustration. It’s difficult to admit weakness and struggle with something that our society of believers is taught is bad to have – doubt.

But in my revelation this morning, I realized that we are all human. We all face ups and downs in our lives including in our faith. We all go through periods of doubt, questioning, cynicism, and frustration. In fact, I believe this is how we grow closer to God rather than farther away (assuming we make our way back to Him). And I realized that my blogging/writing of consistently positive verses and ideas, speaking about comfort, peace, clarity, direction, etc may have caused me to lose some readers who felt that perhaps they just couldn’t keep up or they were doing something wrong because things weren’t quite that peachy or easy in their own lives.

My inability to be transparent limited my writing, limited my honesty, and in some ways limited my faith. I think I started to believe that in some way if I didn’t feel constantly positive, I shouldn’t be a role model or a writer regarding God’s word – that maybe I didn’t deserve that privilege.

To clarify, I have not lost my faith. I know God exists. I don’t think anything can change that. But I don’t know or understand quite where He is in all that is going on around me. The pastor I spoke of earlier writes about how commonly quoted verses don’t really offer much comfort to those in turmoil and I echo that sentiment. I have been told, “Well it’s not up to us to understand”, or “God’s ways are not always our ways”. I’ve quoted these things to others who came to me with struggles. I know these things. It’s not that I need to be reminded. I suppose sometimes I just want to be able to question. I don’t want advice on building my faith or verses thrown at me in an attempt to make me feel better. I want to feel it within me – God’s power, God’s comfort, God’s peace, and God’s direction. I don’t want a hug or a card or a “my prayers are with you.” I want to feel God’s arms around me or hear his voice or see that ever elusive plan. I know that things are not meant to be perfect here – if they were then how would He motivate us and fill us with anticipation for heaven? The bible even talks to us about how things in our world will get worse before they get better – so I’m not sure why we expect this world to be so great and why we get so discouraged by all the bad news. I saw a billboard at a church the other day that said, “Many people believe in God, but only few people believe God.” I suppose that’s true. We don’t believe Him that things will get worse and we don’t believe Him that He’ll always be there for us. I admit, I have my own doubts occasionally.

Yet, in the midst of this storm, filled with darkness, cynicism, pessimism, hopelessness, and frustration – I know God exists. I believe in Him. I believe he does hear me. I believe that illusive plan does exist. I get up every morning asking for strength to get through the day and I know that when I return to bed at night the only way I got through it was because He listened and filled me with strength. Even though I feel I am rambling through life right now with no clear purpose, no clear reason for getting out of bed in the morning, I do get up and I do survive. One last commonly quoted verse comes to mind: There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens. I believe there is a time to question.

After reading the verse quoted at the top of this entry (Ecc. 2:17), I am comforted that how I feel really is straight out of the Bible. He almost took the words right out of my mouth. I hope it won’t be too long before my own thoughts and feelings slowly begin to reflect the more positive and hopeful verses again. But until then, I take comfort in knowing I’m not the only one struggling with faith, life, hope, and direction and I hope that no one will be scared away by my less than optimistic blog posts documenting this time of trial and growth. After all, we all feel low sometimes and we all face struggles in our lives. Maybe someone will even be encouraged by my doubts and cynicism. One can only hope….

If you are interested in praying for and learning more about the Pastor I spoke of, his story, his struggle, his questions go here: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/grantboswith